Guest Editorial from Recondo

Ghana's World Cup Victory Saves America from Wussism

(When last we saw Recondo, he was being ferried away to a secret location after losing out on his bid to take over Kal's World. Since that time we have received intermittent communication from, usually in the form of semi-literate threats scrawled on the back of postcards from various famous apiaries. Due to the content of the most recent missive, reprinted below, we believe he is currently in Framingham, where the significant resident Brazilian population is out-of-its-mind with World Cup fever.)

Recondo here. I hope you're f$#%ing happy. Not content enough to denigrate and hound our glorious commander-in-chief and turn heretofore loyal congressmen into creepy traitorous scum who revel in every American death, you liberal pointy-headed bastards have nearly succeeded in turning America into a third world nation. What's more, a wussified, dive-taking, no-hands-using soccer playing third world nation.

Thank God Ghana, a country whose currency trades even with Cherrios, was able to overcome the American team last night. Heaven forbid the America team would've advanced to the next round. Loyal Americans who don't know any better would've started following this horrid alien game and MLS might have started actually getting people to go to those snooze-fest 1-nil "games" that take up valuable grass-growing time at Gillette Stadium. (Which, I may remind you, is the home of the Three Time World Champion New England Patriots.)

I mean you been to one of those games? Here's who goes:

a) Pointy-headed, bowtie-wearing, van dyke sporting, liberal euro-trash wannabe college professors.

b) Euro-trash Boston University students (patooie. I spit on you and your trust funds, you bastards).

c) Suburban larvae who don't know any better and get free tickets from Dunkin' Dounuts.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: soccer is not an American sport. Soccer does not let you use your hands, forcing you to prance around the field holding them uselessly out like you've just done your nails or something. Every other American sport allows you to use your hands in feats of skill, tests of courage, or for punching. As God intended. For instance, in baseball you may use your hands to throw, catch, and punch Alex Rodriguez (the fey bastard).

Long Live Big Papi!

Err. Where were we? Oh yes...

Even hockey, which is half a sport, kinda, and played by Canadians (not the most manly of nationalities, you know), allows the use of hands. Particularly for punching. Although the creeping socialism of Jean Chretien's Reign of Error saw dramatic wussification of the game. They've got a Conservative back up there, let's see how he does... But I digress.

Soccer is part of the vast international conspiracy of communists and Europeans (but I repeat myself) to feminize hearty, fertile American men for an eventual takeover. I mean, look where the Cup is being held this year. Germany! First, a country obviously bent on World Domination, and, more insidiously, the place where the WC Ghost was created, a product which harangues men into sitting down to pee!

Well, this will not stand. Mighty Ghana's defeat of our Yankee boys last night (aided and abetted by a blind, corrupt, and most likely suffering from syphillac insanity, referee) ensures the eventual soccer takeover of the United States is still at least four years away.

Keep on guard Americans. Go punch a coworker today. It's for Uncle Sam.

Thank you, and good day.

Recondo out.