Friday, January 20, 2006

Kal's Theory of Life #217

Sorry for the slow load today, it's the poll, I think...

So, I'm sitting there the other night watching Commander in Chief...

(Ye Gods, I hate that f*ing show. And I'm stuck here watching it while Wifeypooh goes into some Estro-crazed state talking to the TV like a Baptist Chruch-goer; "You Go Girl! That's Right, don't let that man get in your way!" "Oh sister, those men, they craaazy!")

(Okay, I made that up. But I am subjected to this horrible "every man is an evil stupid power crazed idiot prick and a woman would rule the world with Love, Justice, And Cookies for All" bullshit each week. They canceled Threshold and let this live? Jiminey Cricket.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Anywho, I was thinking about the differences between men and women...

Really. Really! Last week's episode was the most f*ing unrealistic combination of liberal- and Estro-crazed claptrap! Like a US President would offer a $500 million bribe to North Korea to allow us to rescue the crew of our sunken submarine. Yeah. Sure. An then she'd apologize? Uh huh. And the wife of a powerful politician would seek out a former staffer who looks like Natasha Henstridge and try and get her to go back to working for her husband? Umm'kay. "Umm, incredible hot person, who you please go work for my husband so he can have a big affair with you? Please?" I know what that storyline was all about: men need women around becasue without them we're stupid... Grr...)

Oh dear. Did it again. Must calm down... Okay, I was reflecting upon some of the differences between men and women, and was noting that many of my female co-workers have recently expressed frustration that their husbands/lifepartners/boyfriends have this very bad habit of going to bed and actually falling asleep...

It seems they all take some time to doze off and their males are all able to go right to sleep. Which is annoying as hell if you're sitting there trying to get to sleep and hubby is sawing logs right next to you.

This is the way it is here at Chez Kal, as I will generally be asleep five minutes after putting my head down, and Wifeypooh can linger for, literally, hours. If, as they say, a clear conscience is a soft pillow, I am begining to think Wifeypooh murdered a hobo somewhere in her past. She simply can not get to sleep quickly, which, as I noted from my exhaustive and completely scientific survey of three women in my office, is a universal problem for women.

Now I have a theory as to why this is.

Kal's Theory of Life #217

Back in the caveman day, women produced most of the food, through gathering plants, while men contributed relatively modest (in terms of calorie consumption) amounts of meat through hunting. The big advantage to having a male around was to fend off the various nasty creatures like Sabre-tooth tigers that dropped in during the night. Thus the males that would get to mate and pass along their genes were good defenders of their cave.

This created a genetic preference in men for those who could rouse themselves quickly to defend their caves. If you're tired because you've been futzing around for an hour trying to get to sleep, well, you're Sabre-tooth tiger chow. Women, as I've said, didn't need to have this skill as much because their guy would pop up and take care of the tiger, allowing them to sleep in.

This correlates well with second observation that if I hear so much as a peep out of the ordinary I'm up and fully awake in 2.3 seconds. Rastacat could be dancing the rumba on Wifeypooh's head and she'd sleep right through it. Rastacat, as we all know, is the modern descendent of the dreaded Sabre-toothed tiger. Ergo, I am on alert for him.

There, that's my theory. In the interest of science I've created this poll to capture additional findings. Please take a moment and indicate the appropriate response. Thank you for your support of knowledge.

Kal out.

How do you Sleep?
A Scientific poll
I am a female-type person and I get to sleep quite nicely
I am a female-type person and I take some time to get to sleep
I am a male-type person and ZZzzzzzzz.... oops. Sorry
I am a male-type person and I linger like a chick...
I am a female-type person and why don't you come over and find out... grrrowl...
I am Mossy Stone and the next time you hit on my wife I'm going to kick your ass..

14 comments:

bozette said...

I got upset because as soon as hubby puts his head on a pillow he is out. I hated it because he snores so loud and that is what kept me awake. Now we got him a Cpap machine and now no more snoring YAHOOOOOOOOO

Motherdear said...

OMG, Kal, this cracked my ass up! I'm sitting here with the piddles, I'm laughing so hard.

I think we women can't get to sleep easily because we're so complex. Honestly. You guys are simple. Not simple-minded. Just 'simple'. "Man eat. Work. Mate. Arrrr-arrrrrrr-arrrrrrrr!" Women are more like "Oh gee, did I put enough mayo in the kids' sandwiches for lunch tomorrow. I bet The Man is going to try to wear that stupid shirt one more day even though it has mustard all down the front of it. Why can't this cat just stop dancing on the pillows. What if Bin Laden is going to set off that attack in my flower bed! It took me a week to get all those zinnias planted. How can that OAF I'm married to just sleep when there's so much to worry about!!!"

I hate it worse when I finally get to sleep, and then wake up at 3:30 AM and can't get back to sleep. Every. g. d. night. The same thing. 3:30, I'm awake and staring at the ceiling. Put that one in the poll, would you?

Loved the poll, by the way...absolute hysteria and can't wait for Mossy to read it.

Criminy, Bo, what time do you wake up in the morning, girl!?

Mossy Stone said...

I am still pissing myself laughing a good 15 mins after reading this survey.

FYI, I only voted once. A value of more than one totally skews your results, unless, of course, there are other bloggers whose wives you've been hitting on. (Callie? Lowk? time to speak up?!)

Penny Shagwell said...

I think I'm flattered. Really. Kinda nervous, yeah, but definitely flattered.

Try to guess how I answered your poll.

Seriously, I used to be one of those people that wakes up at every odd sound or creak. Now, however, when I turn out the light, I'm asleep before the room gets dark. Of course, that's only on the nights when I don't fall asleep while reading, or doing Su Doku, or watching TV or... nah, *I've* never fallen asleep during that (MOSSY).

My Dad sleeps like the dead and I think I got it from him. Although, he insists he sleeps well because he has a clear conscience. Hm. I think I'm just exhausted.

The neat part is that I can be in the deepest sleep and if one of the kids even so much as sighs loudly, I wake up.

Ma, you're just like my Mom. You make me laugh.

Kal said...

Boz: My brother-in-law has one of those machines. I fear for him when he marries Wifeypooh's sister... I mean, it looks way too easy to kill him via suffocation with it.

Md: Simple good. Complex big pain in ass.

Mossy: There will always be a special place in my heart for Penny, but I fear greatly men who know how to kill, so I will still clear. (I think that includes Lowk/Callie too. He looks like he could kick my behind... But then again, so does Ltl)

Penny: There were two "come over and see me" responses... Who's the other one? I love sudoku. Have it on my Palm pilot, and thanks to the ubiquitous Blackberry it is now socially acceptable for me to "check" my Palm about 20 times per meeting... (okay, I got all the 3
's... where's that 5 go?)

ltlme said...

Kal, I look like I could kick your behind? just because I prefer women over men in the bedroom ANY DAY, does not mean that I'm some freakishly butch man-exterminator.

I'm more likely to give you a hug.

duff said...

so i guess that noise was the closet door finally slamming shut.

anyway, when i saw the poll results, there were 211 "come over and see me" responses. so, either you're pretty popular, or else penny simply couldn't control herself......

Kal said...

Ltl, more a comment about my lack of kick-buttedness than your man-exterminatorish...

Plus, my tax dollars went to teaching you how to kill, so I'd expect a little more out of you than a hug!

(I meant no offense. Please don't kick my butt...)

ltlme said...

Kal, I was Navy, they taught me how to moor lines, how to tie a square knot, Naval History, and to run my ass off in boot camp. The shooting portion was with a disabled M-16 in which I pulled the trigger and a laser hit the target...all computerized. I couldn't shoot a bunny if I even wanted to.

So, for you, it would be a hug.

Penny Shagwell said...

21? Wow, Kal, you dawg, you!

I only polled once, I promise.

Kal said...

Oh Penny, if only, if only...

OK Ltl, that's good to know if I ever need to moor a boat. And I never could get the square knot in boy scouts.

Wifeypooh is laughing her @ss off at the idea of me with two women, never mind 21 or 211...

Penny Shagwell said...

Well, Kal, if the opportunity arises, I think I can rest assured that you won't pass it up to go play hockey.

Mossy Stone said...

Shee-it...

I.will.NEVER.live.this.down.

~mutters~

Kal said...

Dude,

What were you thinking?

Although, in complete honesty, I have a friend who once had such an experience once and said it left a little something to be desired - he felt a little like a third wheel...

But, c'mon!