Wednesday, 8:00pm, EST, in the year two-thousand and four:

Live, from Chez Kal, it’s the “oh my cup runneth over” night.

First: Red Sox / Yankees, game two. An epic clash between two teams for the ages. The aggregated psyche of all of New England is at a fragile breaking point; will the Sox defeat their perennial rivals? Will the Evil Empire yet again prevail, causing much despair and hopelessness from the Connecticut River, east. Or will the plucky outgunned ragtag rebel band of Red Sox provide hope for a region bereft of same (well, at least since the Patriots last won the Super Bowl… snicker snicker).

Second: Bush / Kerry, game three. The final debate between the two presidential contenders may well tip the balance in this tightly locked race. Tonight: domestic policy. The Kerry forces are saying their man will beat the President tonight, not playing an “expectations game” downplaying their guy’s chances and thus being able to claim a greater victory when the main stream media pundits (invariably) proclaim him the victor. Will this strategy backfire? Which President Bush will show up? The lost-a-little-something-off-his-fastball guy we saw in debate one, or the calm and confident (a little too confident??) customer we saw in debate two?

And, to top it off: Wifeypooh is off at some meeting or another. The Sox game starts at 8:30, the debate at 9:00. We’ll be doing a little channel flipping, and recording in medias res some random thoughts. Amber colored liquid will be prominently featured again this evening.

Oooo, but first, Lost, on ABC. Lost is the latest creation of J.J. Abrams, of Alias fame. Alias is a big-time guilty-pleasure show – not only for the lover-ly Jennifer Garner, but also the absolutely Byzantine plots that seem to change course in 180 degree arcs each season, logic be damned. It’s also home to some admirably goofy dialog, delivered delightfully tackily. I mean, really. How does Victor Garber, a serious ACTOR! Chew the scenery the way he does without evincing the least bit of indigestion?

Hmmm. Commercial for “The Grudge.” Uber Creepy. That meowing kid gets to me. Yikes. Might have to rent that one.

Lost is an interesting idea, if not extraordinarily self-limiting. It’s not the kind of thing that can go on interminably. Sooner or later these folks with either get rescued, or get eaten by the mysterious tree-shaking monster. This isn’t an eight-year run we’re talking about (although the idea that all their clothing will eventually wear out is intriguing. Naturally to be solved by them survivors using all the clothes they found in the luggage. Hmm… sounds like a duex es machina to me).

Tonight’s episode centers around Bald Guy, played by Terry O’Quinn, who generally plays evil, nasty authority figures. Baldy’s been Mr. Mystical so far, not talking much, just shooting arch glances at the camera, and fashioning a whistle to call the kid’s lost dog.

I missed the first 10 minutes, so I have no idea what the set-up was, but it appears they’re worried about running out of food and are planning a hunt. Mr. Baldy is apparently good with knives. Or at least likes them a lot.

Lost uses expository flash-backs to give us glimpses of the character’s backstories, all the better to understand their motivations. Plus it gets the show off the island, which is I think important in terms of story pace. If they had to fill the whole 48 or whatever minutes with island drama, it would either be exhausting or boring – as being marooned on a deserted island would either be really scary (see Monster That Shall Not Be Seen, The), or really boring (see Middle Aged Black Lady in Denial About Her Husband’s Death).

Our first Baldy flashback implies that our friend is some sort of secret agent / military muck-y-muck. Second flashback reveals that he’s actually a hopeless loser that plays wargames with his fellow cubemates in some soul-destroying office job. He also has an obsessive and highly inappropriate relationship with some telephone service lady. It’s not spelled out, but we are left to believe she’s a phone sex practitioner. Oh, poor, ignoble Baldy.

Hmm… possible foreshadowing? In the flashback of him playing Stratego, or whatever, with his cubemate, he makes a point of saying so-and-so was a double amputee who climbed Everest, it was his destiny. And in the scene of him talking to phone-maybe-sex-lady, the overhead shot looks like he has no legs below the knees. Later in the scene we see he does indeed have feet, but they’re in shoes: so they could be fake.

I don’t think I wouldv’e thought twice about it, except there is a guy in this season’s Survivor who lost a foot and lower leg to cancer.

Meanwhile, back on the island, Baldy and the Convict Chick and the father of the aforementioned boy with the dog are all off hunting wild boar. The boar attacks them and gores father of the dogboy, so he and Convict Chick go back to “camp”, while Baldy continues after the Board. Ominous tree rustling. Oh no, Bald Guy is going to get eaten by The Monster That Shall Not Be Seen.

8:45 – flip over to Sox. Yankees up 1-0 after one inning. Aw crap. Okay, Poppa Ortez just walked. Yipee! Back to man-eating Monsters on Lost.

Hmm... Pippen just caught a fish. Or is it Merry? Dunno. Wifeypooh does. But she’s not here.

Dr. Flat Affect sees mysterious guy in a black suit off in the distance. Then he’s not there. What is this all about?

8:49 – BoSox: nothing after the leadoff walk.

Apparently Baldy is dead. And the mysterious guy in the black suit is showing up again. What do you think that’s about? Dr. Flat Affect decides to chase him into the ominously shaking bushes.

Something’s coming…

Here it comes….

Ah! Baldy’s not dead! And he caught a boar! Pork’s on the menu tonight! When we get back from commercial (and checking that the score is still 1-0) they’re holding the memorial ceremony and we get another Baldy flashback revealing he’s in a wheelchair! He mysteriously gained the power to walk after crashing on the island! It’s a magic island! (Quite! A Lot!!! Of Exclamation Points in this scene!!!!)

(Actually, at this point I expect Ricardo Montalbon to motor out from behind some palm tree and explain to us that this whole show is Dr. Flat Affect’s fantasy: the one where he is forced to go beyond his flat affect personality and gets to woo the dangerous on-the-lam convict girl.)

Ahh. Debate’s on. Jeez, Schieffer looks about 300 years old. Perhaps Senator Kerry could lend him some Botox?

Question one from Schieffer:

Senator Kerry: will our children ever live in a world as safe and secure as the one we grew up in?

(Well, as Sheiffer apparently grew up during the Civil War, I think we’ll probably be safer at some point)

JFK: “This President rushed us into a war,” blah blah blah. And we are not “as safe as we ought to be”. Then he continues to go on about ports and un-x-rayed cargo holds. As if it’s not freakin’ hard enough to get a flight off on time now. Jeez. We’ll be sitting around for hours in airports waiting for the Airplane Police to x-ray my underwear.

“I’ll hunt them down, we’ll Kill them…” Again with this killing thing! This is like the 90th time in these debates he’s mentioned killing somebody. Clearly, a very angry man. Are we sure he’s “okay” enough to be President? I mean, it’s not like the Republicans don’t have their scary folks: clearly Rumsfeld needs an anger management course or two, and Cheney could afford to double up on the Xanax, but they don’t have access to the nuclear codes.

GWB: “We’ll be safer if we spread liberty and freedom.” Good point about the afghani election this weekend – I like the bit about the first voter being a 19 year old woman – and yes, I’m not an idiot, I know it was set up that way. Don’t care, it’s a nice little message to those who think 51% of the population has as many rights as cattle. Uses “comprehensive” about five times. Seems to be the word of the night.

JFK: Eeek! Bush “outsourced the job of getting Osama Bin Ladin (OBL) to Afghan warlords”. That’s why the unemployment rate has gone up.

GWB: “I never said I wasn’t worried about OBL. It’s one of those exxx-aaaag-erations.” Has the President been watching the Saturday Night Live skits? He’s got the SNL Bush guy down pat.

Question two: Flu vaccines. Where are they?

GWB: “We relied on a company from England…” GASP! I thought the English were our friends! And now we find out they’re trying to sell us contaminated vaccines?!? And Canada’s not helping us either? Oh, shame Canada!

By the way: his point about healthy folks not getting a flu shot is right on: most people don’t need the flu shot. Stop being such hypochondriacs, Americans.

JFK: “People lost health insurance under President Bush!” Ummm…. I thought the question was about flu shots. “I have a plan to cover all Americans!” -- I knew we’d be getting to the Senator’s plans.

GWB retort: “A plan is not a litany of complaints. And a plan is not a list of programs we can’t pay for… it’s an empty promise, it’s called bait-and-switch”

Question Three: How can you keep promises without basically making America going broke?

JFK: “I have a plan.” Some gobbledy-gook which basically boiled down to: sure, no problem. And we can all have ice cream for desert after pecan pie for dinner.

GWB: “His rhetoric doesn’t match his record. Raised taxed 98 times, against lower taxes 127 times. $2.2 trillion dollars in new spending…” “I send up my budget man to the congress.” Budget man? Is that like a garbage man?

Question four, for the President: what do you say to someone who’s lost his job to someone overseas making a fraction of what he’s making?

GWB: Talks about Clintonian re-education of workforce. Okay, sure. Fine. Whatever.

JFK: “Being lectured by the President is like….” DING!: wifeypooh’s home. Instant interruption. “The President’s walked on by this problem…” “They’ve cut this, cut that, not extended unemployment insurance…” blah blah.

Hey – wait a minute. Just a minute ago you slammed the president for not vetoing a single bill passed by congress in this session, the first time in a hundred years president hasn’t exercised his veto. Congress appropriates. If not enough money was provided for job training, it’s because congress didn’t appropriate it. Last I checked Senators were part of Congress. Oh yeah, forgot. You haven’t been going to work for a while. That’s right – not your fault. My bad.

Question five: is it fair to blame the administration entirely for this loss of jobs (technology improvements, etc)

Completely missed Kerry’s response, as Wifeypooh wanted to talk about the very delicious pie she cooked tonight. It was quite yummy. Something with peaches, which, as a rule, Kal detests, but they didn’t distract too much from the rest of the pie’s yumminess…

GWB: John Kerry votes for so much spending that “Ted Kennedy is the conservative senator from Massachusetts.” Oooo classic line! Even Kerry chuckled at that. Or perhaps it was a sneer. Can’t tell.

Question six: do you believe homosexuality is a choice (gay marriage issue)

GWB: I don’t know. We do have a choice which is to treat people with respect and dignity. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Important that we protect marriage against activist judges are redefining marriage, and that judges are making these decisions for legislatures.

JFK: “We’re all god’s children… Dick Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian.” Oh yeah, in case we had forgotten: she’s gay!!!! Gay! Gay!! GayNey!!!” Interesting digression about married men who come out later in life, after wife and kids. He respects that. I don’t respect that. I say, you’re gay and get married and have kids: sorry, you’re in for the long haul. Running off to sing HMS Pinafore and live in Provincetown is, in my humble opinion, not so good for the kiddies. Not that being gay is bad, it’s leaving the family you started to be gay is bad – as equally bad as leaving the family you started to shag that attractive secretary down the hall. A marriage can be celibate… Just as any married guy you know. Or, alternatively, be like Queen Victoria, think of England.

Question seven: NY Times saying some catholic bishops telling parishioners it’s a sin to vote for you (JFK) because abortion and stem cells:

JFK: “Respect their views, I’m a catholic. I can’t legislate an article of faith. I will defend the right of Roe v. Wade.” Nice references to Kennedy (John F., the good one).

GWB: Every life matters. I understand there are differences on the issue of abortions. There are ways to reduce the number of abortions.” Mentions partial-birth abortion, and that Kerry was against the partial-birth ban. Good mention of adoption as a viable alternative.

Personally, my abortion stance is pretty much with Kerry’s professed stance. I wish there wasn’t abortion, I would try to convince my paramour to keep the child were I the one involved, but, at the end of the day, I dislike more the thought of my telling you female type persons what to do with your bodies. It’s not my business. If government can force your decision in this, it can force you to do anything.

Wifeypooh thinks I’m a big liberal squish on the issue, just like Kerry.

Question eight: Health insurance up 38% over last four years. Who’s fault? The administration, the health care system? Who? (sounds like Shieffer’s really ticked off about this one. Perhaps he chocked on that last bill for his “little purple pill”.)

GWB: “I sure hope it’s not the administration”… chuckle chuckle.

You know – I just really don’t care about health care issues. I resent the hell out of the idea that I should, even indirectly, be paying for someone else’s Viagra. We’ll talk about socializing health costs when you give up the idea that you are entitled to me paying for every single drug you can think of. Sure, I’ll pay for your defibrillation when you take a heart attack, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for some old codger’s stiffy. Or some freakin’ allergy pill. Suck it up. By a handerchief. Keep your hands out of my pocket.

Question nine: Health care again.

Zzzzz. How are the Sox doing?

1-0, bottom of the fifth. Okay, we don’t usually come to play until the 7th inning anyway. Houston is beating St. Louis. Please… please…. Give us Clemens… Please…

Back to the debate:

Question on Social Security.

JFK: blah, blah blah… I’ve got a plan!

10 minutes later, still: “I have a plan to put America back to work”. Okay – what the heck is this plan? Puh-leeze? Pretty-please? “This president has lost more jobs than any other” Yikes. OK Mr. President: retrace your steps. When do you last remember having those jobs? Are they in your pockets? Did you put them down somewhere? Jeez, I hope he didn’t leave them over in Europe last year, that’d be bad…

Question: Immigration.

Yawwwwnnnnn…. Bush actually has some interesting ideas about immigration, which makes sense as he grew up in and Governed the state with the nations longest foreign border (well, except for Alaska. But nobody wants to sneak into Alaska. It’s hard enough keeping people there).

Kerry’s answer: “the take home pay of the average American family is lowest it’s been since…” What the heck does that have to do with immigration? Ahh.. Okay, here we go: “I will toughen up our borders.” Think he’s got a plan?!? Some other stuff I didn’t catch because Wifeypooh was mocking Kerry. You go girl!

Question: Minimum wage.

JFK: “Republican leadership won’t let us have a vote in the Senate…” He will raise minimum wage to $7 per hour. Ahh. Gets into the equal pay issue / 76 cents to the dollar issue.

Uh oh. Wifeypooh has a story about her day at work…

Be back in 20 minutes.

Question: Will you try to overturn Roe v. Wade?

GWB: No litmus test.

JFK: Again, President didn’t answer the question. I believe the right of choice is a constitutional right. Let me go a step further…” No! Don’t! You did okay so far! “President refused to fund by $28 billion dollars no child left behind…” Who-ha? What the hell does that have to do with abortion?

GWB: “Only a liberal senator in Massachusetts would think that a $49 billion dollar increase is a cut.”

Snarf, snarf..

Question: Is there any relief that can be offered to National Guardsmen who are being held longer than their enlistment…

JFK: “Reflection of President’s mistake in Iraq” blah blah. Wifeypooh is quite cross that we’re back on Iraq. She simply doesn’t care about Iraq. Stop Senator: you’re losing her vote! “We are strongest when we are working with real alliances” Yikes: he’s really poking at the hornet’s nest on this one. Bush goes apesh*t when Kerry denigrates the Coaltion of the Bribed Willing.

Wifeypooh: Wasn’t this debate supposed to be about domestic issues? I’m going to bed!

GWB: Best way to help get the reservists home is to finish the job in Iraq; to train Iraqis to take over their defense, which is what we’re doing.” Ah... the “Global Test” issue rears it’s head. We’re going to wage war in a “comprehensive way”.

JFK: Backing away from the Global Test, looking for more of a Global Quiz: “I think it makes sense that we ought to pass a thought of truth standard…”

GWB: 1990 – vast coalition to remove Hussein. My opponent voted against that too. There is no test we could pass. < snarkyKal > Got a lot of experience with not passing tests, eh Mr. Presidnt < / snarkyKal >.

A Digression: The above use of those sideways carats,“ < > ”, indicate that I am, in the manner of an HTML script, turning on, “ < > ”, and off, “ < / > ”, my snarky mode. There, a teachable moment. And now the inevitable email from Brothergoodson saying I missed some meta-tag or something.

Question: Assault weapon ban

GWB: Reaffirms support of second amendment. Okay, fine.

JFK: Respects second amendment. Touts his mighty experience as a “Law enforcement officer.” What, his two years as an assistant district attorney? C’mon now.

Okay: this is boring the hell out of me, so you guys must really be bored. Over to the Sox game.

Petey is still pitching. Bottom of the sixth inning. Sox still behind 1-0.

Question: Faith related…
Zzzzz….. –Snork- Huh?

Question: Strong women…
Blah blah blah... Our wives are great… blah blah blah. Mom said “Integrity.. integrity.. integrity.” Unbeknownst to Kerry, Integrity was really the name of Mom’s childhood sled.

Closing statement:

Kerry: No veto by foreign nations. I will serve like I did as a young man… In Vietnam!!! Wow – that was a whole hour and a half without talking about Viet Nam. Impressive.

Bush: Been through a lot together over the last three and ¾ years… Must never waiver in the face of these ideologues of hate… will spread liberty…. Oooo.. The president remembered to ask for vote, thanked America, and did the de riguer God Bless America.

Twenty days left…

And. Yes. The Red Sox lost. < HowardDean > AAUUUUGHGHGGH < / HowardDean >.